Living Life With Anxiety- Part 1- The Story

I've thought about writing a post like this a million times and stopped myself.  It just seemed like too much to share... photos of me post-workout sweating like a dog just don't compare to talking about your deep, personal feelings.  Plus, honestly, I didn't have words to describe these feelings inside of me.  Until I read the book Running Home by Alisha Perkins and she literally put into words exactly what I have been struggling with.



I have ALWAYS been a perfectionist.  High school came fairly easily to me so I didn't have too much to stress out about.  College was a little bit more difficult and as many of you know, I just ate my feelings.  Until I started to apply for grad school and I got so stressed out that I literally dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks.  Don't worry, once I got into grad school, I gained it all back ;)  I would get stressed but I managed it all fairly well until I got pregnant.  I worried nonstop about my little baby. It didn't help that we got a false positive on his first genetic screener and spent a week thinking that either my baby would not survive or he would have a physical disability.  Lucas was a great baby...during the day.  Night times were difficult.  Two years of broken sleep and being a "married single mom" half the time, plus a TON of stress at work, and I went to my physical and broke down to my doctor.  Poor woman probably didn't know what to do with me... except she did put me on anti-anxiety meds.

And WHOA did life change after I went through some crazy side effects (I am in the 1% of people who got tinnitus the first month as a side effect).  But after that, positive things started happening.  I could deal with things in a way that I hadn't been able to in months.  Things that used to instantly piss me off, I could breathe through.  As I told those who knew what I was going through, it took the "edge" off.

So why break my silence about it now?  Because I want to use Alisha's words to explain to people what anxiety CAN look like.  It doesn't always look this way because it's different for everyone and I think that it's important that we start talking about these things.  I advocate for the kids I see to do this every day and yet I haven't been able to do it for myself.  So here are some quotes I would like to share:

"It is an awful cycle and one I am ashamed of.  I hate the days I spend doing nothing; the type A in me can't handle it.... There is middle ground, one that I am trying all the time to find, where I don't shut down but I do allow myself to slow down without fear of where my mind will go.  I want to realize that I can do anything but not everything."

"I was struggling with what was going on with me.  It seemed to come out of left field, and I was so frustrated that I could not control it.  See, that is the funny thing about anxiety- it is a perpetual cycle.  It starts, you want to control it, you can't control it, you get stressed that you can't control it, and so it gets worse...it spirals and spirals".

"I worried for so long that if I was an introvert, that meant I was a recluse.  I now know that being an introvert means I am not mad, sad, or antisocial; it just means I need to be alone for awhile and that's ok.  I am friendly and enjoy being around others, but I need my downtime, too.... Some times I shut down and don't talk to anyone for days.  It is nothing personal.  That is hard for people to understand, even me, but I am working through the adjustment and learning to be me."

So there it is... that's me.  Summed up in 3 succinct paragraphs.

Meal Plan inspired by Country Heat

This post is going to be short and sweet as I have a big weekend preparing for my SECOND half marathon but here is my meal plan for the week! 

Breakfast:  Overnight Oats

Snack:  Shakeology

Lunch:

Stir fry mixed veggies from Country Heat cookbook

Carrots/cucumbers/tomatoes

Baked sweet potato with coconut oil

Chicken and sesame seeds over stir fry veggies

Snack:

Nuts and mixed berries

Supper: 

Monday- Steak and carrots

Tuesday- Chicken and steamed spinach

Wednesday- On the Go-ECFE Family Night

Thursday- Sliders and green beans

Friday- On the Go- Little Huskies Family Night

The Best and Worst Place for a Toddler

So even though we have had MANY adventures this summer, I felt like we needed to have one more. We have one week left in our home as a family before we move and I am just feeling nostalgic.  So I decided to have a blast from the past and take Lucas to Chuck-E-Cheese.  I have amazing memories of the place from my childhood and thought it would be great.

WRONG.  Oh my Lord was I wrong.  Kids everywhere- trying to steal tickets, searching cups for quarters, coughing/sneezing on my son.  Tables were dirty and the garbage was overflowing.  Half of the machines for kids Lucas' age were broken.  I had a coupon for 100 tokens for $20 and we were literally throwing them in machines just to get a ticket and use them.  

We ended up with 250 tickets which in Wisconsin Dells got us two huge prizes plus a bunch of little ones.  At Chuck-E-Cheese we got a sucker, a plastic frog, and a car that shoots a foam "bullet".  LAME.  400 tickets for a plastic ducky... are you kidding me?!? 

I refused to eat there.  You know it's bad when I told Mike to sanitize Lucas before we left and he told me he already had.

So we went to Buffalo Wild Wings.... WHY have I never taken my child there before?  TVs everywhere.  It's loud so HE can be loud.  And his meal was $1.99!!!!!!

Lucas loves ranch. He attempted to drink it straight from the cup at one point!

The best and the worst experience in the same day-- that's our life :) 

Black Hills Vacation Recap

We are HOME.  And it feels so good.  And weird because my husband started his new job today. Here's to single momming it every 4 days (for 4 days) until the end of August.  BLEH.  Thank God for our amazing daycare because August coming hit me like a ton of bricks.  I have SO much to do.

But here is a recap of our vacation.

We left on Sunday.  It is SUCH a long freaking drive out to the Hills.  And BORING.  

Here are my tips for traveling with a 2 year old-
1.  Make sure nap time occurs sometime with a car.
2.  Snacks, snacks, snacks.  And juice.
3.  New toys.  New books.  New movies/shows.
4.  Prayers.
5.  Advil.
6.  Alcohol (JUST KIDDING!)

We stopped in Sioux Falls to buy Mike new shoes, Mitchell to eat, and Badlands National Park to break up the trip to Keystone.  

When we got pregnant, we talked about taking Lucas to all of the national parks in the U.S. and we were so happy to be able to check off number one.

On Monday we hiked to Harney's Peak, the highest point in South Dakota.  Mike told me it was a 6 mile round trip hike.  It was over 8.  God Bless Mike for carrying Lucas most of the way. 

I tried for awhile and I felt like such a badass but I didn't last long.  

Somehow Lucas managed to fall asleep in his backpack (LOVE this thing!) so we went to Storybook Island for our afternoon entertainment.

Tuesday we took Needles Highway to Custer State Park.  Lucas got car sick and puked all over when we stopped.  UGH- definitely a low point in the trip!  But he rallied and we got to see lots of wild animals on the way to Wind Cave National Park.  

We had to wake Lucas up for the trip so I got the treat of carrying him through the entire tour... that's 80 minutes in case anyone is wondering.  

My arm workout for the day!  Oh and when we got out, we were treated to golfball size hail that damaged my poor baby blue SUV.  Another low point.  July 25th- bad day LOL

Wednesday we decided Lucas had been a trooper long enough and we hit some sights that interested him- Reptiles Garden and Dinosaur Park.  

He LOVED both places and the great thing about Reptiles Garden is they give you admission for your entire trip so we ended up going back later in the trip. We also went back to Mount Rushmore so we could tell Lucas we had taken him there.

3 years ago- Lucas was about 3 weeks in my belly

Lots has changed!

Thursday we hit the 1880 Train from Keystone to Hill City and back.  It was raining so it was a great rainy day activity and Lucas had a blast.  I was SO glad that we went early because we had two seats to ourselves which was NOT the case on the way back.  

We hit Reptile Garden again that afternoon.  That evening Mike took Lucas swimming so I could get some miles in on the treadmill since we hadn't done much exercise that day.  The hotel fitness room looked over the pool so it was so much fun to get to watch them interact and get my workout done at the same time.

Friday was another hiking day.  We did a 3.5 mile loop around Sylvan Lake.  VERY strenuous and Mike actually went off the trail for a little bit and I ended up falling not once...but twice.  

It was beautiful however.  We got to pick and eat wild raspberries, see deer, and SO many waterfalls which I loved.  

Definitely worth the scrapes I endured.  When we got back to the hotel, we took naps and got to see another round of hail.  Thankfully no damage this time.  After supper, we did the Alpine Slide.  Lucas had a blast going down with Mommy although Mike says I was very slow.

Saturday we got up and started the trek back.  We went through Bear Country to let Lucas burn off some energy.  

Then Lucas and I went to Storybook Island while Mike got a haircut-- he loves that place and I love that it's free!  The drive home was a little rocky because Lucas didn't nap at his usual time and he took a short nap but we made it through.

The laundry got done Sunday with a family reunion in between and I spent 77 lovely minutes on the treadmill getting my long run in.  YUCK. Why do I train for fall half-marathons when I know I'm too lazy to get up in the morning to run when it's not hot and humid out?

And now it's August 1st and I need to get my ass in gear.  I need to get things done and I need to start taking care of myself again.  I have really been letting myself go as far as strength training and nutrition and it's showing in the way my clothes are fitting and what the scale is saying.  UGH.  I can't hide it much longer in athletic clothes so time to up my game!

Here's to a new month!

Tiny Toast and a new Recipe

A month and two days... holy cripes.  I knew it had been awhile since I wrote, but I did not know it had been that long. Oops.  I could bore you with how I've alternating between panic mode and Give it to God mode about all the changes that are about to happen but let's get to the important stuff.

My addiction to Tiny Toast.  Everyone else is raving about Pokemon Go and I'm just over here like hey, let's all eat some Tiny Toast.

It's a new cereal that I saw on a few other blogs and so I picked up a box at Target....and then another box at Hy-Vee.  And I'm probably going to need another box by the end of the weekend because I've already eaten a box and a half in 3 days.  Have I mentioned that I can't control myself around cereal? I should probably choose not to buy another box to maintain my pant size.

On the plus side, I've been making some healthy choices too.  Including this meal:

Not sure what to call it but it is pretty delicious.

I browned a pound of hamburger, drained it, and then mixed in half a bag of Green Giant Cauliflower Crumbles and a whole bag of frozen stir fry vegetables.  I threw in some soy sauce, garlic, and red pepper flakes and heated it until the frozen vegetables were hot.  Yummy and delicious.  For my 21 Day Fixers, it's about 1 red and 1.5 green.  Makes 4 servings and will be great for my lunch this weekend.

I am pretty proud of myself for making something tasty without a recipe.  First time...probably last.

Hope everyone is gearing up for a great weekend!

Full shutdown mode

I've composed posts a hundred times in my head for the past couple weeks. But as those who know me and love me anyways know, when shit hits the fan in life, I shut down. Mentally, emotionally, physically. I do the bare minimum in all things life related with the exception of caring for Lucas. I give him everything I have and if anything is left over, I toss it towards other areas of life. Example: his laundry is done, folded and our away. Me? I'm wearing Christmas pajamas. Yup.

Usually this only lasts a couple days to a week but apparently changing my entire life in a few short months was too much for my brain to handle. I went off the grid. I watched crappy TV. I ate too much and everyone who was at the wedding last weekend knows I drank too much.

I tried to turn it around and failed a few times.

There were milestones:

Celebrating 5 years with my job- and also celebrating friends who grab my cellphone and act like proud mamas and take countless pictures.

Our 5 year anniversary..... We have spent more than half my life together now. Wow.

But today.... Today was the day I turned it around. Because I remembered life is too damn short. 9 years ago we lost my stepdad. One minute he was driving my mom to work and the next minute I was calling 911 and administering CPR. 

Life can change in an INSTANT. 

And there's no use sweating over every small decision. We will make good decisions. We will make terrible ones. Life will move forward whether we are ready for it to or not. 

All we can do is trust God. Let go and let

God. That's my mantra for the next few months! 

Ultimate Reset- Final Results and Thoughts

I know I promised this post about a week and a half ago but life has been a little bit hectic and I'm finally ready to talk about it.

We are MOVING.  And not to just a new house.  To a new town.  To new jobs.  To a completely different life.  Insert multiple panic attacks, sleepless nights, and thoughts of "What the hell are we doing?" here.

My husband applied for a job in his hometown (10 minutes away from MY hometown) and was offered and accepted it.  Thankfully, I was able to change districts within my company so that I will be able to be in the same town 4 days a week and have about a 30 minute drive 1 day a week.  In the long run, this change will be good (I hope!).  But short-term?  It SUCKS.  Trying to find a house and daycare, thinking about moving and everything that goes with that... starting over in a new town and new districts.  UGH.  I need to stop before I have another panic attack and don't finish this post.

Anyways.  That's my excuse.  More to come when I actually know what the hell we are doing with our lives.

So my final results for the reset.....

BOOM.  Down 5 pounds in 21 days, losing another 2 pounds in the week after the Ultimate Reset. CRAZY!!!! These pictures do not do my results justice, I promise you.  My clothes are looser, the rolls are disappearing.   The baby abs may be exposed some time this summer.  5 pounds doesn't sound like a lot, but for my size, it was huge.  Other people in my group that did it lost anywhere from 10-25 pounds!

Ok so pros-

I totally changed the way I ate.  The times, the amount, the type of food.

I learned to cook things that I would never have made before and found lots of food that I like.

I got leaner and lost weight that I have been struggling to lose.  

I broke the plateau and mindset that I have been struggling with for the last 3 months.

Cons-

Not working out for 3 weeks was really hard since I am in the process of training for a marathon- bad timing.

I spent a LOT of time in the kitchen.

I spent a LOT of money on groceries, on top of the cost of the product.

I definitely felt some side effects the first few days of headaches and being exhausted.

Would I do it again?  ABSOLUTELY!  What this did to my body and my mindset was life changing and I highly encourage anyone who is looking for a big change to try it.

If you are interested in trying it and have questions, contact me on my Facebook page or email me at kaylamariedejong@gmail.com 

If you want to buy it NOW go to:

Ultimate Reset® Challenge Pack (US):

http://www.teambeachbody.com/shop/-/shopping/BCPCLN305?referringRepId=917703